The following is a list of sounds that destroy my brain a little more each time I hear them:
1. The sound your speakers make when a cell phone receives data within their proximity.
2. The sound of an alarm clock. Not just in the morning, but I’m talking that classic retro alarm sound that they use in commercials that makes me want to kill puppies. That sort of digital baby’s cry; you know the one. EGH! EGH! EGH! EGH! That one. Fuck that noise.
3. The following words being said at me: “Chief, Boss, Guy, Solution Oriented, Priorities.” I am a nice dude. Pretty relaxed for the most part. Say that shit to me, and you may very well get bladed.
4. That error sound you get in Adobe Illustrator when you are trying to select a anchor point with the Convert Anchor Point Tool, but don’t hit it just right. I heard you the first time computer machine. I think I’ll know I hit it correctly when it does what the fuck I want it to. I don’t need your annoying sound to inspire me to keep on truckin’ down the road to angle manipulation.
5. Morning radio shows. How much coke can you do before 8am? Christ.
6. Cell phone rings during a meeting. Oh wait, I’m sorry douche with the blackberry; did you just drop in from a helicopter after being walkie talkied about this emergency meeting, and didn’t have the time to hold the * key for three seconds, thus silencing your 500 dollar phone, of which you only use 12 dollars worth of features? No. You’ve had this meeting on your Microsoft Outlook calender for two weeks, and got a little pop-up reminder on your desktop 15 minutes ago. But at least now we know how important you are, you cunt.
7. Cell phone rings during a movie. Don’t worry, that slide at the beginning of the movie that asked the audience to silence your cell phone; it was talking to everyone but you. Because that slide knew that Tammy is having trouble with her boyfriend Bryce, and that she might need someone to talk to in the next two hours because she tried to commit suicide once in high school, and you’re her BFF, and no one else understand her but you. Well I understand Tammy. Tammy’s a bitch and should have used a gun instead of sleeping pills.
8. Mouth breathing.
9. The way the woman on my office voicemail menu says, “February.” We know the ‘R’ is in there, please stop over-pronouncing it like you just discovered buried treasure in the middle of that word. “FebROOary.”
10. Sean Paul.